Therapy for Low Self-Esteem, Self-Doubt & a Harsh Inner Critic

Low self-esteem isn’t always obvious

You can seem capable and still struggle deeply.

You might do well at work, show up reliably in relationships, and seem like someone who has it together. Other people may see you as competent, caring, or confident.

But privately, things can feel very different.

You may replay conversations in your head and wonder if you said the wrong thing. You might struggle to believe the nice things people say about you. You might find yourself questioning your decisions, being incredibly hard on yourself, or feeling like you are never quite enough no matter how much you do.

For many people, low self-esteem shows up less as looking insecure on the surface and more as living with a quiet, relentless pressure underneath: to get it right, not disappoint anyone, and not be too much.

The roots of low self-esteem

Many people assume self-doubt means they simply need to “try harder.” But often, this belief develops in earlier relational environments where love, approval, or safety felt conditional.

In those situations, becoming more careful, agreeable, or self-critical may have helped you adapt to an environment where mistakes, needs, or emotions didn’t always feel safe. If you’re reading this, you might already sense that ways of being that were once helpful may now be keeping you stuck.

For some people, these patterns also show up as difficulty saying no, over-accommodating others, or tying their sense of worth to approval from others. If that feels familiar, you may also find my people-pleasing therapy page or codependency therapy page helpful.

The inner critic, shame, and self-esteem

Most people I work with can identify an internal voice that is far more critical than they would ever be with someone they love. It might say:

Over time, that voice can begin to feel like truth. Underneath it is often shame. Not just “I made a mistake,” but “Something is wrong with me.”

When a voice like this has been present for years, it can become deeply ingrained in the way you relate to yourself. Many people find that even when they logically know the criticism is harsh or unfair, it still feels powerful and difficult to challenge.

Why change can feel so hard

If you’re someone who has tried to make changes before and found yourself really struggling, there’s a reason for it. Part of the reason these patterns can be so persistent has to do with how our nervous system learns what is safe.

From a very young age, our brains and bodies (or nervous systems, if you want to get technical) track what leads to connection, approval, and safety. Our nervous systems also track what leads to tension, disapproval, or conflict. This means that over time, we become adapted to, or “wired” by, those early environments and the signals or feedback we received.

For some people, growing up meant learning that certain parts of themselves didn’t always feel welcome. Maybe expressing needs led to criticism. Maybe strong emotions created tension in the household. Maybe setting boundaries risked upsetting someone important.

In other words, it makes sense that setting boundaries now causes you anxiety. It makes sense that an inner critic developed that tries to stop you from making mistakes before others notice. It makes sense that showing up authentically or being vulnerable can feel difficult.

This doesn’t mean your caregivers were bad people. Many families are navigating stress, immigration, financial strain, or their own unresolved experiences. But children don’t have the perspective to understand those complexities. All their nervous system learns is something simpler:

Over time, these patterns can become automatic ways of staying safe in relationships. And the tricky part is, when these strategies work in our early environments, they get stronger. This makes it harder (and scarier) to change in the future.

How therapy can help

Experiential therapy gives both your mind and your body a chance to experiment with showing up differently. At first, this can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Saying no to a request, expressing a need, or setting a boundary can trigger anxiety because your nervous system has learned that these actions might lead to disconnection.

Small changes you might practice

• Setting a boundary with a friend who expects you to pay for everything
• Saying “no” to your boss and finally using your vacation days
• Expressing a feeling to someone you love that you would normally hide

At first, these steps can feel scary or even wrong. You might feel like a bad person or feel guilty and anxious. That’s completely normal.

Over time, as your nervous system experiences these moments and discovers that connection can still remain, something begins to shift: the body gradually learns that things that once felt dangerous may actually be safe.

As this happens, your mind and body begin to experience something new: that expressing yourself, having needs, making mistakes, or setting boundaries does not have to lead to rejection or disconnection.

You can think of therapy as a place to experiment with new ways of being and seeing what fits. It’s a space where you can practice showing up differently with support and understanding before bringing those changes into the rest of your life.

What changes over time

As you begin practicing new ways of showing up in relationships, many people start to notice gradual shifts in how they experience themselves. For example, you might notice:

• The inner critic becoming quieter or less convincing
• Feeling less ashamed when you make mistakes
• Expressing needs or boundaries with less anxiety
• Making decisions without constantly second-guessing yourself
• Worrying less about how others see you
• Feeling more comfortable showing up as yourself with others
• Feeling more confident and self-assured

These changes tend to unfold gradually. As your nervous system begins to experience safety with the new ways you want to show up, patterns that once felt automatic can start to loosen.

Over time, self-worth becomes less dependent on how others see you and more rooted in living in ways that feel authentic to you.

Self-esteem therapy in British Columbia and Ontario

If you’re looking for therapy for low self-worth, shame, or chronic self-doubt, you don’t have to navigate this alone. You deserve a relationship with yourself that feels kinder and more secure.

I invite you to book a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit.

I offer self-esteem therapy in Surrey, BC, and provide virtual therapy for clients across Ontario and British Columbia. Sessions are collaborative, thoughtful, and paced in a way that feels emotionally safe. Learn more about me here.

Author

This page was written by Aïda Retta (she/her), Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) and Registered Clinical Counsellor (BC), who provides virtual therapy across both provinces.