8 Tips for People-Pleasers Who Want to Get Better at Setting Boundaries

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

For so many of us, people-pleasing is a strategy that might be used in our relationships with others to avoid conflict, reduce anxiety, or to simply keep the peace. The guilt or shame that might come with refusing a favor, for instance, might simply not feel worth saying “no”. However, while making a sacrifice in the short-term can relieve a lot of discomfort, this habit can cause frustration and resentment over time in our relationships.

So what can we do when we find ourselves trapped in this pattern, putting the needs of everyone else before our own? Here are a few things that I’ve learned as a therapist working with people-pleasers to overcome some of the challenges they face when setting boundaries.

* Disclaimer: It’s important to note that these strategies largely assume that you are dealing with people who are not interested in coercing or controlling you, are not abusive, and are likely to respond to your boundaries in a reasonable way (e.g., they may be initially disappointed, but are able to tolerate it).

1. Start with small boundaries, go slow, and be gentle with yourself

A first step towards protecting your time and energy could be as simple as saying “no” to a small favour that someone asks of you. A great example is not answering the phone if you don’t have the time for the conversation, if there is something else you’d rather be doing, or if you’re simply feeling a little tired or drained. By starting with smaller, (generally) lower-risk boundaries like this one, you give yourself time to build up the skills and confidence that might help you set more challenging boundaries in the future. The more you practice setting small boundaries, the more you learn to manage or accept the initial feelings of discomfort that come with saying “no,” and the more evidence you generate for yourself that the other person will be okay without your immediate response or help.

2. Boundary-setting is a practice, so take opportunities to practice where possible

Boundary-setting is a muscle. The more you (gently) challenge and stretch your capacities in this area, the stronger they’re likely to become. When you practice this skill in low risk situations (e.g., perhaps a safe relationship with a good friend, family member, partner, or colleague), you might find that the discomfort you associate with saying “no” isn’t as bad as you thought, and the person you’re communicating with might also respond more positively than you believed they would. Similar to the first point, this strategy helps to collect evidence that is really is okay to say “no,” making it easier to do in the future.

3. Set your limits and try to commit to them

Often, people learn to expect whatever you teach them with your behaviour. This is often true for both people who might have a tendency to want to take advantage of others (subconsciously or not), and those who don’t, from what I have observed. If you tell someone in your life that you only have an hour to help them with a task, for instance, try your best to stick to that. Unfortunately, by going past your own limit, people may come to expect this from you.

4. Practice tuning into your body

Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, explains the small ways our bodies give us clues about how we really feel: “When you give to others begrudgingly, you feel it in your body.” So if you learn to pay attention to your body, it will tell you when it’s time to set boundaries. The heaviness or anxiety you feel before you add another responsibility to your schedule or to-do list, the dread or anxiety that comes up right before it’s time to meet a person you don’t particularly like, or the hesitation you experience when you’re about to agree to something you don’t really want to do are all cues from our bodies that can help support our moment-to-moment decision making. The good news is that these cues are a guide that can be accessed, with practice, whenever needed. If you can, before you respond, take a moment to check in with how you really feel and see if you can notice any sensations that might be indicating that you don’t really want to do the thing you’re being asked. In her book, Nedra goes on to explain that when people don’t set boundaries, the emotions that typically show up include resentment, anger, and frustration. These stronger emotions that can come after the fact are also signs that you might be in need of different boundaries in your relationship(s).

5. Buy yourself time with your decisions

The urgency we often perceive around others’ needs can cause a lot of anxiety. Every text, email, or phone call, or question might feel as though it needs an immediate response. When someone asks you for something, responding with something like “I’ll check my schedule, ” or “I’ll get back to you later” can help buy yourself the time to fully consider the request and determine if you can meet it — or if you event want to.

6. Saying “no” might do someone else a favour

Saying “no” will typically cause some level of disappointment in others. Unfortunately, this will probably be a little unpleasant for them, depending on the circumstance. Interestingly, sometimes, saying “no” can be both a favour to yourself and to the other person. By putting yourself first, you create space for your own needs in your life. Additionally, by saying “no” to someone you typically over-extend yourself to support, you might also create a reason for them to find other coping tools, to broaden their support network by speaking to someone else, or to try problem-solving without your reassurance. This can be a good thing, because as much as you might care about them, you cannot always be there for them. If you can, focus on communicating your boundaries kindly and allow them to feel whatever disappointment may come.

7. It’s okay to consider yourself, too

Finally, if you’re reading this, you might be the kind of person that only considers the needs of others in your decision-making. If that’s your case, it definitely makes sense. Feeling pulled in so many directions by the needs and desires of others can often mean that you forget to where you fit in.

While it might not be possible to make yourself the only factor in your decision-making (this probably wouldn’t be a good thing, anyway), making a mental note to include yourself in the equation is important. You and your needs matter, and even if you aren’t at the stage where you can put yourself at the very top of the list. Just asking yourself questions like “Did this choice benefit me,” “Did I enjoy spending time with that person?” or “Do I have the time, capacity, and energy to help with their needs?” can be ways to practice considering yourself, too.

Looking for some support?

Navigating setting boundaries with close others for the first time can be really stressful and uncomfortable. If you’re looking for support, feel free to book a free 30 minute consultation with me to talk about it.Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.