Boundaries vs. Healthy Dependence: Striking the Right Balance in Relationships

In the world of relationships and therapy, boundaries are a popular topic. Perhaps you’ve read some books about them, or seen some content on the internet about it. In general, the advice that seems to be out there is to have stronger, more rigid boundaries. While I can’t say I disagree (in fact, I wrote about the importance of boundaries in another blog post), we also need healthy dependence or interdependence in our relationships. In fact, we know from attachment science that this ability to give and receive emotional and physical support is a big part of what it means to be human. This can feel like a confusing message—if both boundaries and interdependence are crucial for maintaining fulfilling and balanced relationships, how do we know when we’re stretching our in an unhealthy way versus trying to help another person to fostering healthy interdependence? How much are we “supposed” to give before it becomes unhealthy?

To answer this question, it helps to define some terms.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships. They define what we are comfortable with and what we are not, ensuring that our emotional, physical, and mental well-being is protected. Boundaries help us maintain our identity and independence while allowing us to engage with others in a way that feels safe and healthy.

For example, a boundary might be not accepting work-related calls after a certain hour to preserve personal time if that feels important to you. In intimate partnerships, boundaries could involve things like needing alone time, having personal space, or deciding how much time you want to spend with your partner's family. Boundaries aren't about shutting people out but about ensuring that interactions with others don't compromise your values, needs, or well-being.

The key here is safety. Boundaries help ensure that you feel physically, emotionally, and relationally safe. In other words, checking in with yourself to ensure that your aren’t physically drained, emotionally exhausted, or financially struggling before offering help to others will ensure that you are operating from a position of willing care for others instead of obligation. Checking in with yourself about your physical, emotional, financial state and making sure you’re resourced enough in those areas before extending support to others will help to ensured you’re operating in healthy interdependence with your partner, friends, or family members (etc.) as opposed to boundaryless co-dependence, for instance (where the responsibilities of others often become your burden).

So, what Is Healthy (Inter)dependence?

Healthy dependence—or interdependence—on the other hand, is about relying on the people in your life in a way that strengthens your connection without losing connection to your sense of self and your needs. It's the mutual support that people provide each other—emotionally, physically, and mentally. This is what it means to be in healthy community! Healthy interdependence means you can lean on the people in your life during tough times and celebrate together during good times, without feeling that your identity is lost in the relationship(s).

In a healthy and interdependent relationship, both parties feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other, and feel safe enough to share their feelings and needs. They trust that their people will be there for them, creating a sense of security and intimacy. This kind of dependence isn't about needing someone to function but about choosing to build a life together where all parties support and enhance each other's well-being.

Balancing Boundaries and Interdependence

The key to thriving relationships lies in balancing boundaries with interdependence. Here's how you can navigate this balance:

Communicate Clearly: Open and honest communication is essential. Discuss your boundaries and your needs for support with your partner, friend, family members, colleagues, etc. Make sure you understand each other's limits and expectations. Ask questions and seek clarification where you need.

Respect Differences: Each person in a relationship has different needs for independence and support. Respecting these differences without judgment is crucial for maintaining balance. You friends, partner’s, or family’s needs will likely look different than your own, and that’s okay. The important thing is to become more aware of how to better support each other, and be intentional about showing up to the relationship in ways that work better for all parties.

Practice Self-Awareness: Regularly check in with yourself to ensure your boundaries and dependence needs are being met. Are you feeling overwhelmed or smothered? Do you feel neglected or unsupported? Self-awareness helps you identify when adjustments are needed. Being in touch with your feelings and needs means that you will be better able to communicate them to others, and know when your needs are not being met.

Adapt as You Grow: Relationships of all kinds evolve, and so do individuals within them. Be open to adjusting boundaries and the level of interdependence as your relationship(s) grows. What worked at the beginning of your relationship might need to be revisited as you both change. Make regular times to check in, if you can.

Encourage Mutual Growth: Support each other’s personal growth and celebrate individuality. A healthy relationship of any kind is one where both people can grow and thrive, both together and independently.

Seek Balance, Not Perfection: It's normal for the balance between boundaries and interdependence to fluctuate. The goal is not to achieve a perfect equilibrium but to remain attuned to each other’s needs and willing to adjust as necessary. It might be that a partner or friend, for instance, is quite dependent on you emotionally during a hard time. Later on, you might find the dynamic changes when you are needing more support or perhaps require different boundaries during a challenging moment in your own life.

Boundaries and healthy dependence aren't opposing forces but complementary elements of a strong relationship of any kind. By understanding and respecting each other's boundaries while also embracing the mutual support that comes with healthy interdependence, people can create a relationships that are both nurturing and resilient. The balance may not always be easy to find, but with patience, communication, and a willingness to grow together, it’s possible to build a relationship where you feel secure, valued, and deeply connected to those in your life.

Looking for some support?

Navigating setting boundaries with close others for the first time can be really stressful and uncomfortable. If you’re looking for support, feel free to book a free 30 minute consultation with me to talk about it.